Funeral Etiquette

While the norms for funeral fashion and behavior have changed over the years, the sentiment of showing you care is always the same. Here’s what we’d like you to know about funeral etiquette.

What Should I Say?

"What should I say?" is one of the most common questions asked by someone wanting to give their condolences. While no words are enough to alleviate the pain of a loss, offering a few kind words to the family of the deceased lets them know you care. Simply saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is usually enough. Be respectful and listen attentively when spoken to, and offer your own words of condolence.

Try to keep your own grievances to yourself and avoid telling the family things like, "he/she is in a better place now" &"everything happens for a reason" or "it's all part of God's plan," as comments like this are often not well-received.

What Should I Do?

● Sign the register book. A funeral register book allows families to keep track of who attended the service, collect contact details for thank-you notes, and keep a cherished memento filled with personal memories and signatures. Include not only your name, but your relationship to the deceased: co-worker, gym buddy, casual acquaintance from the golf club— this helps family place who you are in future.

● Consider giving a gift. It could be flowers, a donation to the family's chosen charity, a commitment of service to the family at a later date— it's always the thought that counts. Make sure to provide the family with a signed card, so they know what gift was given by whom.

● Arrive on time to the funeral. Arriving on time is very important. When entering either the funeral home or another location, enter as quietly as possible. Cellphone use during a service is inappropriate. If you feel you must answer a message or call, excuse yourself

and walk into another room or outside.

● Leave the first 2-4 rows for the family. Many people attending funeral services are unfamiliar with seating arrangement norms. Typically, at both the funeral and visitation service, the first rows of seats are reserved for immediate family members. If you are not a part of the family, it is customary to choose a seat behind the first few rows. Additionally, be sure to talk to the family before sitting down.

What Shouldn't I Do?

● Don't feel that you have to stay. When attending a wake, many people may feel the need to stay the entire time, and may even feel guilty for leaving early. However, visitations are designed to be open-house events where guests can come and go as they please within a set timeframe.

● Don't be afraid to laugh. Remembering a loved one can mean sharing a funny story or two. Just be mindful of the time and place; if others are sharing, you may do so too. There is simply no good reason you shouldn't talk about the deceased in a happy, positive

tone.

● Don't feel obligated to view the body if there is an open casket. Act according to what is comfortable to you.

● Don't allow your children to be a disturbance. If they have never been to a funeral before, be sure to explain what will occur at the service and how they should act during that time. If you feel they might not be able to handle themselves, then leave them with a sitter. However, if the deceased meant something to them, it's a good idea to invite them to share in the experience.

● Don't leave your cell phone on. Switch it off before entering the funeral home, or better yet, leave it in the car. All too often, we see people checking their cell phones for messages during the services.

What Should I Wear?

Expectations for funeral attire are typically conservative, darker colors traditionally symbolizing mourning and respect. For men, this often means a dark suit or button-down shirt and jacket, paired with dress shoes. For women, conservative dresses, skirts, or dress pants and a blouse are considered appropriate. It would also be wise to take the weather into consideration and choose attire that is not only appropriate but practical for the climate, especially if there is a graveside service following the funeral.

When Should I Visit?

Once you learn of someone’s death, visiting the family at their home is appropriate, but the funeral home is the best place to visit with family members and offer your condolences. For anyone wanting to visit and offer assistance to the family before services are held, these actions can provide additional comfort. Offering to bring food, household necessities, assist with childcare and handle any errands or chores are a few of the things you can do to assist the grieving family.

What Should I Say?

This is the most common question asked by someone wanting to pay their respects. While no words can adequately express the depth of a loss, offering a few kind words to the family of the deceased lets them know you care. Try to avoid airing your grievances or saying the deceased is in a better place now.

Where Should I Sit?

Many people attend funeral services and are unfamiliar with seating arrangements. Typically, at both the funeral and visitation service, the first rows of seats are reserved for family members. If you are not a part of the family, choose a seat behind the reserved seating.

What Should I Do?

Arriving on time is very important. When entering either the funeral home or another location, enter as quietly as possible. If you are attending the visitation, speak to the surviving family members and offer your condolences before taking a seat. Cellphone use during a service is inappropriate. If you feel you must answer a message or call, excuse yourself and walk into another room or outside.

What Should I Do About Children?

While there isn’t a definite answer to this question, a child attending a visitation or funeral service depends on the situation or relationship to the deceased and their family, as well as the age of the child and whether or not they can behave appropriately. If you decide to take your child to any service, explain what will occur while at the service and how they should act during that time.